Hello Lovers!!! And we meet again for the premiere of True Blood Season 5!!! And in my opinion, True Blood premieres should be considered a national holiday, but I digress. What really matters is that after all the 'waiting sucks' references(But GoT helped with the wait a GREAT deal. Also please forgive that some images from previous posts are now gone, I accidentally deleted them.), we met our maker again this past Sunday.
HAPPY DANCE BITCHES!
To be quite honest, I was underwhelmed by the season opener but I still enjoyed it. I just wished it had a better flow to it. I'll dissect it all starting...RIGHT NOW.We start off at the still hideously tacky Compton residence with Eric speed cleaning Nan's remains. It's very nice seeing our Viking starting off efficiently.
Oh, Bill is there too...
While Eric did all the heavy lifting as usual,
His Royal Highness used his precious time to leave Jessica a voicemail saying that he will be out of town on business aka dodging the Authority so he can keep his asshole. Yes Bill, you are still a mediocre at best maker to your progeny. He asked Eric if they should alert Sookie of what has happened to which Eric replies 'Fuck Sookie'(which is hard to pull off when you're wearing blue rubber gloves) as if he immediately picked up on Pam's rant. Eric elaborates saying that Sookie has made it clear she wants nothing more to do with them (as if she's NEVER said that before) so it would be a waste of time and they need to get going, like NOW. Unfortunately, its not a second later when they sense people on the property.
It didn't end well.
Both Eric and Bill wound up silver-netted in the trunk of an Authority-owned car. And I'm a little miffed that the Robo Cop uniforms got the axe.
Meanwhile at the Stackhouse residence...
Our darling sobbing Sookie cradles Tara's dead body while Debbie's even deader body lays off in the corner. Laffy runs in on the scene and breaks at the sight of his cousin. While Sookie and Laffy are riled up in a frenzy, Pam-I-Am makes her much anticipated appearance. She eyes both dead bodies in the kitchen and credits Sookie and Laffy on knowing how to party. Ignoring the Sookie's apparent panic about the whole situation, Pam asks her if she's seen Eric. Sookie cries out that she doesn't know where he is and Pam tells Sookie that if she does see him, let him know that she's... sorry.
As Pam turns to leave, Laffy makes a plea, asking her to turn Tara. Sookie immediately rebuts his YOTO (You Only Turn Once) plan. Pam-I-Am counters with a valid point, one other than the simple fact that she doesn't even like Tara.
Pam goes on to add that it might not even work but Laffy begs her to try. Sookie, now accepting a possible way to have Tara back again tells Pam that she'll owe her one if she does them this favor. Pam-I-Am entertains this, asking Sookie to use her 'Super Snatch' to get her back into good graces with Eric. Sookie agrees and they all take this party out to the back yard.
Pam-I-Am isn't exactly happy to be going to ground with Tara and Sookie tells her to make an effort so it all can hopefully work. Pam immediately counters Sookie with a another valid point.
I concur Pam, I concur. Pam reluctantly lays with Tara as Sookie and Laffy begin to bury them. Am I the only one not excited about this?
Taken back to where we left off with Jason and anti-vampire-now-vampire Steve Newlin, Steve is trying to coerce Jason into letting him in. Jason, using his basic learning skills immediately refuses, avoiding looking Steve in the eye. Steve pleads with Jason saying that he doesn't even know who is maker is and has nowhere to go. And Jason, eating up Steve's bait like his daily courses of va-jay-jay, ends up looking Steve in the eye. Well, Steve learned how to glamour from somewhere because that's exactly what he did and got in Jason's house. He tied Jason up(something he is no stranger to)puts duct tape on his mouth and tells him that the only thing he'll remember is inviting him in. Steve has a big announcement for Jason.
Steve adds to the "shocking" news that what hurts most about Jason sleeping with his wife Sarah is that it wasn't him... because he's in love with him. Steve allows Jason to soak this all in and Jason says that he's flattered but his dog doesn't bark that way. On account that Steve's dead heart beats for Jason, he wasn't too happy that his sentiments weren't shared. Right before Steve could force Jason into a matching button-up and sweater from the latest J-Crew catalog, Jessica bursts in claiming Jason as hers. Steve, not being without manners, introduces himself of course.
Jessica is never-failing on exchanging pleasantries.
Steve now face-to-face with the pseudo-queen now has on of two choices; get fucked up or GTFO. He doesn't have time to make a choice because Jason rescinds his invitation, However, Steve is able to get in a final goodbye.
I don't think Jason noticed or cared because within less than 5 minutes he and Jessica were going at it.
Now back to Eric and Beehl...
Still in the trunk of a car being driven by a man and woman of the Authority taking them to their impending doom. Bill is pondering the problem while Eric is pondering the solution. With a crowbar or whatever, Eric punctures a hole in the gas tank and asks for a light. I guess I don't need to explain the rest.
After everything went boom, rushed to an injured Bill who tells him to go on. Seriously Bill, nobody's watching, there's no need to fake nobility right now. Eric tells him that he's not leaving him but they both find out one of the Authority personnel survived the crash. He didn't survive for long though.
I guess Eric definitely knows this woman because this is what he does...
I wish Eric would greet me that way.
Eric introduces the hot young thing as his sister, to which I'm all like...
Her name is Nora and she so happens to be a chancellor of the Authority. Godric sure picked the beautiful ones didn't he? She tells Eric and Bill that once she heard that the Authority had it out for their heads, she wanted step in and help them out, even if it might risk her the TRUE DEATH. She also says that their are factions within the Authority who disagree with the current Agenda. Bill tells Eric that he knew he had friends in high places, but this is one hell of a lifeline. He asks Eric if anyone else knows that he and Nora are related and Eric says no. Nora urges them that they all need to find a spot in the the docks to sleep before the sun rises. But before they rest, Eric and Nora have alot of catching up to do to.
But seriously though...
Since Bill is the odd one out at this family reunion he tells Eric and Nora to keep it down because he is sure that they can be heard in another city. Maybe its all just a bit awkward for him. Hey Bill...
In the middle of all the lovely sibling bonding, Eric's phone goes off. Nora is none too happy about this. I wouldn't be either if it meant putting a stop to my time with Mr. Happy.
Nora scolds Eric for having his phone while they're on the run and Eric elaborates that his phone is untraceable. But really, they didn't take his cell when they captured him? Well anyways, the call was from one of Eric's many busy bees informing him that their holding down the fort at Fangtasia.
Eric makes a small observation about he and Nora. One that puts all us Viking Lovers between a rock and a hard place. We all might actually consider being 'related' to Eric if it meant that kind of activity. I keep telling myself that there's a line somewhere but I have yet to find it.
Trying a way to pass the time while Pam-I-Am and Tara are in the ground, Laffy and Sookie are cleaning up Debbie's remains... well Sookie is. Laffy asks her why they just don't call the police, they have enough evidence, like Sookie killing Debbie with her own weapon and the fact that Sookie is white, therefor guaranteed to be believed . Sookie tells Laffy that she wholeheartedly wanted to kill Debbie. Even though she had the chance to stop and think, I do think that it was best that Sookie killed her because Debbie would've just came back for more. I mean the woman was totally batshit. After hearing Sookie's testimony, Laffy gets on board with this logic and helps clean up Debbie's body.
Later on, Laffy and Sookie head to Laffy's house to dispose of Jesus' body. Except there is no Jesus.
I guess Laffy wasn't kidding when he said Jesus hated that fucking chair. But poor Laffy, EVERYTHING is taking a dump on his life lately. He hasn't even had time to grieve. Hell, now he doesn't even have a body to grieve for. He asks Jesus (who is probably out buying a new chair before he passes on) how the fuck is he supposed to get through all this. I wish I could give Laffy a hug right now. To have to go through all of this with his hair looking like it does.
Back at Sookie's Laffy is sulking in the tub and eyeing a razor, to which we all scream, 'NOOOOOO!' But we have to get back to that to that later because Sookie has a visitor and it's Alcide. Sookie totally plays it cool, because she TOTALLY didn't blow his girlfriend's brains out the night before. She offers Alcide some lemonade, which went totally smooth.
After crediting Sookie's kitchen on smelling like lemons, ammonia and bleach, Alcide gets to the reason of his visit. He tells her that Russell Edgington is on the loose and poor Sookie is STILL under the notion that KRE is dead. After Alcide briefs her on what really went down that night, he tells Sookie that she isn't safe (like she ever was to begin with) and he wants to reach out and offer her protection (like many others have. No disrespect to Alcide though) because he is sure that Russell wants to eat Sookie after he eats her future babies. Sookie tells him that she can't take him up on his offer. He asks why and Sookie is about to confess that she kicked part of the reason under the fridge a moment ago. Sookie please remember your lemonade.
Before Sookie's super snatch got the best of her again, a newly hairless Laffy swoops in, proving that even gay men cock fight over Sookie.
For a moment I really wanted Laffy and Alcide to kiss but one can only dream I guess. Alcide offers his help one last time and Sookie, now back to her senses, refuses. Alcide leaves and Sookie is mentally scolded by Laffy.
Meanwhile in I Don't Really Care Yet Land...
Addict Andy and Holly slept together. We could've did without that news and so could've Holly's sons. I sympathize.
KRE is somewhere out there eating people.
Sam is confronted by Marcus' pack who wants to know where he is. They spare no time to threaten Luna and her daughter Emma. Same escapes so he can tell Luna to watch her back. Luna asks Sam why not just tell them it was Alcide and Sam says its because he owes Alcide because of his brother Tommy. Before Luna could speak again, the wolves from Marcus' pack shows up and Sam goes with them against Luna's pleas. As werewolves do, they take Sam to a barn to beat the truth out of him. Sam still not budging is met by Marcus' mother, who looks like she should be on Sons Of Anarchy.
She tells Sam that she needs Marcus' body so that they can carry out a ritual that requires it. She also doesn't sugarcoat the fact that she'll still have Sam's ass either way and if he doesn't tell her, harm will come to Luna and Emma. Sam complies and takes the pack to Marcus' body and Luna and Alcide show up not too long later. Alcide tells everyone that he did indeed kill Marcus. Some of the pack members bow to him as their new packmaster but Marcus' mother and who I believe to be his father refuse to do so. They shift and begin to eat their son's remains. Eww.
Jessica is having a party with some local college kids at the Compton residence when Jason shows up. Jessica explains to him that when she said he was hers, she was just trying to save his ass. Jason decides to stay and party to show Jessica what she's missing. They all sing Cherry Bomb very off key and Jessica flirts with one of the boys. In turn, Jason flirts with one of the girls and leaves with her. But in the car he decides that he doesn't have it in him to be an asshole tonight and says that he's just gonna take her home.
I really don't ship Jason and Jessica to be quite honest. I think its just a waste of time aka filler aka the writers just trying to find anything to do with the two.
Hoyt has friends now and a new-found love for the f-word. And you guessed right, he's still pissed at Jason.
Back at the docks Nora, true to her word, came through for Eric and Bill. They were met by other Authority members who gave them papers so they can fly under the radar. However, whoever wrote these papers needs to be fucking fired. I don't give a shit how hard they are to come by if this is the best they can come up with.
Eric and Bill are told that they must leave everything behind but before the fine print can be elaborated, all the Authority members go splat, leaving only Nora, Eric and Bill. They're surrounded by the Authority SWAT team and are instructed not to FUCKING move. They should've know that they weren't going to get far as soon as Eric read that his name was going to be Applebaum.
Back at Sookie's, she and Laffy are anxiously waiting for the grand reveal.
The reason escapes me but Laffy heads back inside and Sookie keeps an eye on the plot that holds Tara and Pam. Pam-I-Am finally reaches and pulls herself out. Sookie asks her if it worked and Pam says that she doesn't know. Sookie pulls back the dirt and sees Tara's head, still lifeless. Laffy comes back out and immediately sees from the look on Sookie's face that the attempt was futile.
Pam-I-Am is rightfully pissed that she got into a Wal-Mart sweatsuit for nothing.
But right before I could take a sigh of relief, Tara comes to life. And honestly she looks the same as she did before.
So yeah, Tara's really a vampire and I'm all like...
And the internet is all like...
But seriously though...
Tara is the character that fans are THE MOST indifferent about. I don't hate Tara and I don't want Tara dead. But I don't want her a vampire either. I just don't. To me it serves no purpose other than mayhem and we've already got plenty of that. I'm just not on board with this at all. And its like we get to see Pam be Tara's maker but what I really fucking want is Pam and Sookie's friendship. THAT'S WHAT I WANT. So right now, this is me...
I could go on and on but I'll save it for the second episode. Maybe it will redeem the premiere for me. Until then, Later Lovers!!!
Gif credits - truebloodgifs.tumblr.com
Photo credits - ladymanson.com