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Rabid Ramblings
Fuck Your Feelings 
20th-Jun-2012 02:14 am
Hello Lovers!!! That week went by a bit swiftly didn't it? I am back to give my thoughts on episode 5.02 and I have to say, I enjoyed it much more than the premiere. Much more gratuitous Skarsporn but alot of cheesy background music. Please lay off of that sound people, viewers don't need EVERY emotion played to them. Lets dive on in...

Eric, Nora and Bill are taken to what looks to be a warehouse, which makes me wonder what happened to the Legion Of Doom dormant volcano setup that we saw last season. They are greeted by another Authority member named Salome (whose hair irks me for some reason). Of course her panties drop for Eric immediately and accordingly.

Nora desperately tries to plead her case but Salome looks like she could really give a shit. It's no surprise that Authority members play strictly hardball. Nora tells her that Eric and Bill were better worth alive and she wouldn't jeopardize her position for nothing. Salome promptly tells Nora that fairy tales are for children and backs her statement up with a quick slap to Nora's face. Ouch.

I'm gonna try and lighten the already damp mood with some Skarsporn... he gave nothing but face in this episode and I'm forever grateful.

Salome leads her new prisoners to an elevator with flashy security technology that would put Brinks to shame...

They arrive at a office lobby that's like the vampire version of Social Security but with heavier reinforcement and better furnishings. Their desktop backgrounds could be cooler though.

Nora, Eric and Bill are put in holding cells until the real fun can begin. There's another vampire there with them, who asks Nora how it feels to be on the other side. Bill asks who he is and Nora tells him that he was a nurse who ate babies instead of delivering them. I totally wouldn't put it past him. I guess his sole punishment is to eventually look like a fetus.

A voice comes in over the intercom and welcomes them to New Orleans, though they wish it were under better circumstances. Eric and Bill are asked where the other Authority members (who are now dead) were taking them. Beehl of course feels that it is most certainly best for him to speak so he gives his lofty excuse of how he was the king and they were acting on his orders, release Eric and Nora, yada yada yada... His bluff is immediately called and the voice over the intercom says that it was a noble (interacted with Bill for merely 5 minutes and is already mocking his nobility) gesture but a lie. So yeah, Bill should've just STFU.

They all were hit by UV rays, which I'm sure is no cakewalk. This detainment system is pretty legit.

I sure hope Tara's 'awakening' has turned into a pleasant bonding experience.

Spoke too soon..

Vampire Tara is showing some adjustment issues, especially when she bites Sookie and tosses Laffy clear across the yard. Pam-I-Am finally steps in and gets ahold of her, telling Sookie that she has a job to get to. Sookie tells her that she's her maker and she can't just leave. Pam says she MADE her, just as asked so Sookie owes her one.

She commands Tara not to bite Sookie or Laffy and to stay in the house. Which wasn't really a nifty idea because as soon as Pam was gone, Tara starting fucking Sookie's house up. Which sucks because Eric just had that shit renovated. Will this house EVER stay clean.

Sookie tells Laffy to coax Tara with some Tru Blood which right now is basically like trying to give a banana to a mighty gorilla without having your arm taken along with it. Laffy mans up and goes for it, so I have to give him props. Cuz' I wouldn't have gone NOWHERE NEAR that ravage bitch.

Though Laffy had heart in approaching Tara, it doesn't end well because she attacks him but then stops before she could do any major damage and goes back to fucking up Sookie's house. Sookie tells Laffy that the sun's gonna come up in an hour so they have to get her into Eric's cubby. Laffy puts on his brave face again and goes upstairs to find her and this time coaxes her by cutting his arm. When Tara bites him, Sookie silvers her from behind and they carry her downstairs.

Back at Fangtasia, Pam arrives still covered in dirt and a Wal-Mart sweatsuit. We are treated to a sans-screaming Ginger who asks her where she's been. Pam asks if she's seen Eric and Ginger says she hasn't. Pam leaves Eric a voicemail saying that she understands if he's mad at her but they've got a business to run.

We are then treated to a glorious flashback. We see Pam in San Fransisco in the 1800's or early 1900s(forgot the year) working at a brothel. It gleefully brings me back to her 'hooker' comment to Laffy back in season 3. One thing we can immediately tell is that Pam-I-Am has always had style. Drugs too.

One of the other ladies tells her that someone's been in the back with a john for over an hour. I guess they have a 45 minutes or less policy because Pam heads back to check in on her. However she finds a mangled bloody body in the sheets.

Later Pam-I-Am is walking the streets alone and is being followed by some guy. She quips to him that she is off the clock so GTFO. He doesn't take this all too well and attacks her, which makes me want to kill him my damn self.

To my relief, this asshole doesn't get far with our beloved Pam-I-Am because within a flash he is on the ground with a gaping hole in his throat. Have no fear, Mr. Skarsporn is here.

I flip my hair to Pam for resisting the urge to get naked for that man right then and there. So what if he just killed a man with ease and his hand was covered in blood...

Eric apologizes for the blood on her dress and gives her money to replace it. Pam-I-Am asks his name and just like that, he's gone. If Eric isn't a dark knight then I don't know what the fuck is. It's clear that Pam is hurting because she and Eric are on the rocks but I really hope she can take this time to stand on her own two feet.

Keep in mind the wondrous words of RuPaul Pam-I-Am...

Back at the Authority headquarters, the interrogation process has begun.

We meet Dieter (the intercom voice from earlier) who seems like the vampire Authority version of Mr. Rogers, but the only thing pleasant about him is his voice.

He tells Bill that the IV he is connected to holds electrified silver particles as a way to get the ball rolling. He asks Bill if he recognizes the book he's holding. Bill instantly answers that its the bible but not just any bible. The FIRST bible, the Vampire Bible. And in it, it states how God created Lilith (which is really cool because I always told myself that if I were a vampire, my name would be Lilith. So now I can really pretend.) the first vampire and his true intentions for Adam and Eve aka the human race.

Oh the irony of vampires having their own bible and the fact that its in good enough shape to be carried around freely and not locked in some glass case with electrified silver particle barriers that Indiana Jones can MAYBE reach with the help of Chuck Norris.

Dieter goes on to tell Bill that there are some(factions within the Authority even) who believe in the literal interpretation of the ancient text, meaning that humans should only be used for food and nothing more. Its also ironic that the Authority is on the opposite end of this line pushing their mainstream agenda of coexistence and rainbows. When really in a vague and more smoke and mirrors kind of way, they're using humans for cattle as well. Dieter asks Bill if he believes in the literal interpretation of their bible and if he consorts with anyone who does. Bill says no and I guess that wasn't solid enough for Dieter because he released the silver particles into Bill's bloodstream. Not at all pleasant to watch.

Eric is in another room with the same setup as Bill's, only he's with Salome. And she can barely keep her clothes on. Eric is no stranger to being in a pickle so he's as stoic as ever. Salome toys with Eric and tells him that Nora is dead. He flinches but is still not gonna crack for her. Salome asks him who killed Nan Flanagan to which he replies, "Nan Flanagan is dead?" Oh Eric, you know how to play it, but unfortunately these people have the silver particles and that's gonna suck for you. But again... thank you for this awesome Skarsporn.

Thank goodness I wasn't in that interrogation room, because I would've said ALL the wrong things.

The Authority's interrogation process says ALOT about the collective in itself. They pin one on the other, a divide and conquer strategy. Their persuasiveness pulls at your strings and makes you squirm. Seeing them use this technique on Eric and Beehl was pretty interesting.

Neither Eric or Bill broke to the manipulations and they both were eventually returned to their cells after a futile but very painful process. Eric and Nora's connection still remains a secret... for now.

Back in sub-plot land...

Alcide's time onscreen was sadly brief but he made it clear that he had no interest in being the new packmaster or eating the old one.

Terry's more-peculiar-than-usual behavior since the visit of his army buddy Patrick is putting a strain on Arlene. Terry's been sleepwalking, having flashbacks triggered by fire and raging at Arlene. She told Patrick and Terry whatever the hell is going on they need to fix it. I would elaborate more but I wasn't paying that close attention to this plot. I blame the Skarsporn.

Jason shows us that you can oddly afford Ray Ban sunglasses on a Bon Temps cop's salary and that you can possibly sleep with almost every woman in your town. After watching Steve Newlin celebrate being a God-loving vampire on tv, Jason was confronted by a teen who says that his parents are getting a divorce because Jason slept with his mom.

Having it being brought to his attention once more that he literally fucks people over, Jason paid a visit to Hoyt, hoping to rebuild. Hoyt still wasn't having it but on the brightside Maxine promised to bake Jason a pie as a reward for breaking Hoyt and Jessica up.

Hoyt is still tossing around the f-bomb like its nobody's business. What happened to the guy we used to know?

Sam and Luna get a visit from Marcus' mom, Martha, pleading with Luna to let her be able to see Emma since she is her granddaughter. She also adds that when Emma starts to turn. she's gonna need a pack. Luna refutes by saying she knows her daughter is a shifter but Martha disagrees. She also kinda sorta apologizes to Sam for beating him like a slave. No hard feelings right?

Sam tries to tell Luna that Martha may have a point but Luna must be PMSing like a mofo bc she nearly bit his head off for entertaining the notion that she isn't the only person who knows what might be best for her daughter, However Sam is no strangers to these kinds of quarrels.

Poor Luna's gonna need to backtrack because is how she finds Emma later.

Pseudo-queen Jessica is having another party at her house when Steve Newlin pays her a visit.

Unfortunately for Jessica, Steve is kinda one of the cool kids now. Her guests seem to think so.

The reason for Newlin's visit is that he wishes to purchase Jason from Jessica for ten thousand big ones. After some bartering, talk of Jason's ass, fang boners and real boners, Jessica tells Newlin that she nor her friends can be bought so he needs to GTFO. As most hissy fits over boys go, it resulted in a catfight with Jessica victorious.

Or is she?

Newlin is on the ins somehow and I'm pretty sure his maker, whoever the fuck it is, has a bit to do with that. So this definitely won't be the last standoff between Jesus Vampire and Baby Vamp.

Btw, Addict Andy is still on the wagon. He and Jason found Debbie Pelt's abandoned car so there will be an investigation a-brewin' soon.

Let's check in on Sookie at the Bass Pro Shop equivalent of vampire killing needs. Hate-Mart? Stake-Mart?

Seriously, am I the only one a little miffed that vamps "hyphen" kill.com was NEVER updated? *shrugs shoulders*

Sookie tells the salesperson that she has a vamp that's itching to have at her so and is recommended to try the doorbell equivalent of silver mase. How could she not purchase with such an awesome sales pitch?

After catching the salesperson's thought about her super snatch, Sookie went home and installed her new anti-vamp houseware. She hears Laffy thinking about killing Tara and rushes to him in the nick of time. Laffy's standing over a resting Tara with a stake in his hand, ready to strike. He regrets what he's done to her (I do too) and feels that she shouldn't be in such pain being what she hates most. Sookie tries to convince him that it is possible to rebuild what they had because Tara is in there. After Sookie's pep talk, Laffy decides that not staking his cousin is a good idea.

Tara awakes later that night and finally utters a sentence. She says she'll never forgive Sookie and Laffy for what they did and speeds out. The exit wasn't that swift though on account of Sookie's new device. But the guy was not bullshitting about the results, Tara is most likely gonna go eat a neighbor. So Sookie has the silver lining that her money was well spent.

The time has come for Eric and Bill aka Fuck Up 1 and Fuck Up 2 to get their asses chewed by the Authority members. But first things first, it's time for a sermon.

Salome and Dieter from earlier are also there. One of the Authority members named Roman, who appears to be the leader, starts to recite a the Vampyr prayer and give drops of his blood to to the other council members. I'm guessing Lilith was his maker. And I don't think Eric and Beehl were regulars at Bible School.

I have to say, the Authority council looks like they ball so hard.

I can't take my eyes off this guy. I KNOW he runs shit. And watches Adventure Time. AT THE SAME DAMN TIME.

Eric notices that Nora is still alive but she is taken away from the festivities. Roman basically asks Eric and Bill the same questions from before and if they were involved with the Sanguinista Movement(??? I haven't had time to research this, my job at Macy's drains my fangirl energy). Bill doesn't know what it is and Eric gives up this little quip.

Roman tells Eric and Bill they've been giving him nothing but shit. Especially since the Tolerance Festival went straight to hell because people were attacked on camera which cost ALOT of money to keep quiet. I would honestly think that the prisoner eating babies would cost even more money to keep quiet.

Roman asks they other council member's opinions on the subject and the vampire version of Julia Sugarbaker is the first to speak. She votes to kill them, another member thinks they should be left alive but yet another believes they should meet the true death. Roman decides to get out the ceremonial stake and give the two their final words. Bill is the first to speak of course, dropping the dime that Russell Edgington is indeed alive and on the loose. He offers an exchange, Russell's head for their lives.

Roman refutes this claim, saying that Nan assured him that he was dead. Salome urges Roman to hear Eric and Bill out. Eric confirms Russell is still alive because he and Bill cemented him in the ground instead of giving him the true death. Roman is not at all pleased about this, pissed that Eric and Bill gave into their feelings instead of following orders. So much that he is about to stake Bill to prove his point. Eric immediately tells him that it was his choice to keep KRE alive.

Bill says that Russell wants nothing more than anarchy, so if the Authority kills them now he will most likely succeed in creating chaos. Russell might not be creating chaos just yet but he is def creating the heebie jeebies with his current appearance. *shudders*

Right now, I thinks that it was one of the Authority members who released Russel. But I'm afraid that that might be too obvious. It would be totes cray-cray if Nora had something to do with it. But that Salome does seem fishy to me. Maybe its just because I find her irritating.

Well that's all for now. Later Lovers! And remember...

Photo credits - ladymanson.com
Gif credits - truebloodgifs.tumblr
21st-Jun-2012 11:42 pm (UTC) - authority
The promos make me want to bitch slap prepubescent Alex, he has a lot of things to be angry about but Bill and Eric aint one of them. He better rupologize to Ike and Marcellus.
22nd-Jun-2012 01:21 am (UTC) - Re: authority
I know right? Priorities need to be sorted. Lets start at the top of the list first LOL
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